My Best Post CEO Issues Annual Report: "A-OK!"
Despite a fiscal year which ended much sooner than expected, staff reductions attributable to disease, and losses caused by somebody who left one of the presses going full blast over an entire weekend, My Best Post can report the highest pro rated real negative gain in its history. Financial liabilities for the period include installation of a champagne fountain in the corporate lobby, and purchase of gifts for an unnamed minor, Ms. Cara Lou Caralee, youthful personal assistant to CEO Duke "Duke" Henshaw, along with the issuance of bonds to cover expenses associated therewith and because of that. Assuring stockholders, Henshaw told a shareholders meeting Tuesday, "I'm certain their will be big benefits once maturity is reached".
Panhandler Competition Slated
Chefs from throughout the Tri-County area will converge upon Ambleton Tuesday for there annual "Pressure Cooker" mete, a series of contests in which tasty recipes are created in haste. The event serves up a fun side dish for local residents, who see food preparers race against the clock, and then get to personally sample the results. Last year's event resulted in only a scattering of deaths.
3:30 PM - Prayer Breakfast.
Tequila salmon; bananas and bourbon; equatorial flatfish rum enchiladas served with blood sausage, onion, and vodka rosti alongside a Canadian blended whiskey gargle. At the Armory. All proceeds to benefit those who first came up with the idea, according to Tammi Toomey, who did not give her name, in accordance with the organizations' policy.
3:30 PM - Countywide Debris Collection
Haul in and drop off things that have been cluttering up house and yard! At The Armory. Among items turned in last year were a burned mattress, and the partial skeletal remains of a centuries-old baboon, which likely migrated here from the Savannas of East Africa.
|Police Department Sold
Citing increased cost, attrition due to disease, and ongoing scandals which have eroded discipline and morale, The City Of Corco, has turned over responsibility for law enforcement services to a private company. Beginning Monday, "Arrest Assured" , a security and alarm firm, will assume the job of policing the community. "Until that time, we're asking everyone to stay inside, unless there going shopping", said veteran officer Ollie Odum, 13. "I don't think I have to say that twice", he repeated.
Epidemic Is "Nothing Unusual" Authorities Say
Health officials say they've seen an extraordinary uptick in vector-borne illness, attributable to untreated water accumulating in pools at the Torpor Talcum facility in Farley. Wingless, bloodsucking insects have spread across the land, invading residential neighborhoods and whelming medical facilities throughout the area. Torpor's Director of Corporate Control Duke "Duke" Henshaw, reassured concerned residents by noting that the condition had now become entirely normal. "We've been getting reports about it for months now, so it's not all that unusual", he smiled.
Owing to a photo mix up, a recent edition of My Best Post mislabeled an image which appeared on our Obituary page. A memorial article paying tribute to civic leader Yvonne Von Vaussen, mistakenly included a picture of "Pia", a female Clumber Spaniel, currently up for adoption at The Corco Humane Society. We also regret that Ms. Von Vaussen's photograph accompanied our "Pet Corner" feature headlined "Bitch of the Week".
My Best Post Declares Bankruptcy
Amid slumping readership and sagging revenue, My Best Post, says it is unable to pay creditors, will default on loans, dismiss paid staff, and sell off its limited assets. "Readers should notice no difference", assured Cara Lou Caralee, the paper's Director of Internal Affairs.
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Copyright 2011 Ken Kramer