My Best Post
Volume XLNT,  Number 1
August 14nd, 2010
"Had Enough", Dog Claims, "I Just Snapped"
In an exhibition of disloyalty, uncommon to his make and model,  A Canis Familiaris is publicly slamming his master, Ray Rayburn, of Ambleton. Speaking exclusively with My Best Post, the Shepherd-Collie Mix named "Romeo", living at 12332 Cliff Canyon Lane, wove a woe some tail. "He was shouting, Romeo, heel! ...well, finally I said O.K., I'll heel, and I rubbed so close to his legs that he tripped on me, and fell into traffic, and I can't say I'm sorry it happened!" Rayburn will be remembered in a private ceremony Tuesday. "Romeo" will be taking some time off to travel and write, " a place where I won't have to hold my stool", he concluded, "because I'm tired of that, too."
Unclaimed Property

After exhaustive efforts to find their rightful owners, the following items are currently stored at The City Warehouse, awaiting pickup. If not claimed by Friday next, they will be ceded as rummage to charity, in accordance with applicable statutes.
Sheet Of Postage Stamps:  Each has image of inverted air mail plane. Enclosed in envelope on which is written: "Duke, Here's The Info You Wanted"
Cash - $10,000, all in twenties. Owner must identify amount and denomination to claim.
Personal Medical File: - Of Mr. Wally Links Of Kelp Hill, detailing his treatment for erectile dysfunction, and psychiatric evaluation related to wife's affair with mattress salesman. (several copies) Enclosed in envelope on which is written: "Property Of National Archive."

Exchange Students To Visit
Nineteen students from Gabon will arrive in Corco on Monday for a one-day whirlwind immersion in the culture of our area. The experience will include a seminar on probate and estate planning, lunch at the Belly Buster Buffet, and an evening of swing-dance music by The Dinny Poolman Band.

Raised From Pupae, Fruit Flies To Be Released
Wednesday will be a bittersweet day, and a celebration of the cycle of life at Corco Elementary. Thousands of Drosophilia Melonogaster will wing their way from the nest, after having been lovingly raised by the fourth-grade students of Ms. Donaskit's class. It's the third year of the project, made possible by a generous grant from Landon's Pest Control in Ambleton.

We Will Not Be Silenced!
Hundreds of complaints have been received in the offices of My Best Post, from readers who say the paper has not been delivered in recent memory, and long-time employees are alleging that poorly maintained presses mechanically seized up months ago. "Nonsense", according to spokesperson Duke "Duke" Henshaw, who blamed the problem on "hoodlums, stealing our publication from news stands and front porches, for the valuable coupons therein, and because of that."
Meantime, police are investigating the claim of Corco resident Dede DeLong, 24, who says she saw a shirtless youth "mount my stoop, and take off with the only source of enjoyment a person my age has!"

Tribute For Resolute Man Of Daring Temperament Having set a modern-day breath-holding endurance record in the waters of our own Skillet Lake Reservoir, Richard "Pete" Richmond, 80, of Corco will buried Thursday.

A recent edition of My Best Post reported that an outbreak of e-coli illness had been traced to a sports bar in Ambleton. We apologize to owners and employees of "The End Run".

Funnyman To Appear At Gaming Venue
Veteran entertainer Harry Nipples will headline the upcoming season at Saint Agnes Casino Showroom, according to church officials. It will be a triumphant return for the comic, who last appeared in public in 2006, and was widely believed to have passed away. Many tickets remain available at all prices.

Helpful Hint
Little ones can get into every kind of mischief. You look away for just one moment, and they're gone somewhere with the car! Or Dad is forever getting blood on his shirts. A recently-released collection of  writings by Next Age Prophet Hank Bulandshanr: (pronounced Ha-ann-k), provides the balance necessary for good grounding. As thus: अपने ड्राइविंग पर अपने मन रखो.
*For translation, contact the business line at My Best Post, and when prompted, enter the code: HH-082010. You will be automatically billed $49.95.
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Copyright 2010 Ken Kramer