|Volume MXCC, Number
|Mayor And Prostitute To Wed
A planned October marriage has City Hall and the social world buzzing. Ambleton Mayor Cart Landers and his wife-to-be will honeymoon aboard his gas-powered yacht, after a Polynesian-themed reception at the armory. Little was previously known about the future Mrs. Landers, until My Best Post conducted an opinion survey, and most readers said she is a call girl.
Ron Conkrun of Kelp Hill will be spending what remains of his life in jail after he was discovered carrying a phony bill Wednesday, "similar to those which have been circulating in our area", according to Police Chief Duke "Duke" Henshaw. Conkrun's capture brings to an end, the search for the source of fake currency and lottery tickets that have shown up throughout the region. He will be sentenced after he is tried in August.
My Best Post Tops In Journalism
The Association of Magnesium Silicate Producers has awarded highest honors to My Best Post, for its "fair-minded stories correcting public misperceptions about talc". In particular, The Association praised a photo essay which proved there are no children working at the Torpor Talc Facility in Farley.
Local Lotto Winner
An Ambleton man has stepped forward to claim his share of Tuesday's Hyper-Millions Multi State Lottery. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Jock Tockhardt, who lives alone at 2055 Vista Canyon Road, says he will present his winning ticket to Lotto officials by week's end, but has already begun purchasing "some lovely items for around the home", including a wide-screen TV, a silver set, and a couple of pistols. He will leave on an extended celebratory cruise next Saturday to Fiji and Sao Tome.
Organizer, $$$ Missing
Mrs. Florence Playton, a once respected patroness of arts and culture in Corco, and the founder and driving force behind the annual Corco Days celebration, has fled with an undetermined amount of cash.
Suspicions began to rise when a routine call to the Playton home was answered in a voice which quavered, "I can't get to the phone right now". Investigators theorize it was a recorded message, and that Playton was not even home.
A neighbor, Mr. Dent Baneaux, who asked not to be identified, said he had seen Mrs. Playton at the Bank Of Corco less than a half-hour earlier. "She was wearing men's clothing and a man's hat and it didn't even look like her!", he cried.
A recent edition of My Best Post mistakenly reported that Rev. Steven Starkhe, was struck by a foul ball at the Kelp Hill Recreation Field four days after he died at the age of 129. We have since learned that it was a line drive.
It is the policy of My Best Post to set the record straight. If you see something printed in error, contact our offices immediately to take advantage of rates as low as $15.00 per word!
What's That Siren?
A Log Of Emergency Responses In The Tri-County Area.
9:19 AM - Corco. Home of Fay Ardlay. Gonorrhea.
10:10 AM - Ambleton. Possible Communist.
10:16 AM - Farley. Child in talc dune.
11:10 AM - Ambleton. Fire in a finch nest. Cause: smoking.
3:37 PM - Ambleton. Power outa
3:58 PM - Report of a turd in Skillet Lake Reservoir.
4:14 PM - Kelp Hill. Home of Mrs. Links. Mattress Fire.
7:02 PM - Corco. At the Nuclear Facility. No details.
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