||September 31th, 2012
Many Readers Ask: "Where's My Paper Been At?"
A 10-month shutdown over salary and benefits has been resolved, and the presses are rolling again at My Best Post. Under the new agreement, employee pay will depend upon circulation. "We will permanently base compensation on the actual number of papers purchased over this past half-year", Torpor Communications Director of Corporate Control Duke "Duke" Henshaw explained. "As for benefits", he concluded, "they can now be negotiated and paid for by each worker in the marketplace, allowing everyone to individually achieve what works best for them."
Driverless Tractor Surprises Startled Paradegoers
It was a fun-filled scramble of happy families scampering for safety as the sound of twisting metal and crashing glass mixed with the laughter of children at La Dimanche Fiesta le la Poudre de Talcum in Downtown Corco Saturday. According to investigators, the romp began when a small but powerful tractor ran away from longtime area rancher Roger "Sam" Reneaux, turning zany circles in the street before causing over a quarter million dollars in property damage. "It happened somehow or other", stated Sylvan Dark, an anonymous unmarried male.
Killer Takes Stand In Case Of Murdered Drummer
A sign of relief has expired from the lungs of local residents after a person was apprehended carrying a drum case containing a collapsible music stand that looks kind of like one once owned by Arthur Czalkchilropt (pronounced "ARE-thur") of Corco, who hasn't answered his door for over a week now, so is probably slain. "Citizens can rest easy, knowing the murderer has been caught and because of that", exclaimed Duke "Duke" Henshaw, longtime business associate of the late percussionist. The name and age of the arrestee, 24-year-old Ricky Rickman, is being withheld because he is a juvenile.
What do you say? Should the so-called "Corco Killer" face the justice he deserves? Write My Best Post with your decision. Standard rates will apply.
|Torso Found, Owner Sought
Neighbors have discovered the corporal remains of a man or maybe a large dog seated in an upright position in a residence at 166832 Pistachio Triangle in Corco. "I saw it from a distance through a window", uttered Pill Willburn, of the Corco Police. "But just guessing", he confirmed, "I'd say it's either a sack of trash or sombody famous". Police will wait to enter the home until after dark when they can use they're flashlights to see better.
Torso Discovery Grim Reminder Of Similar Events
Only last month investigators received reports of an auto theft just blocks from the exclusive Almond Joy development where Tuesday's alleged discovery was first promulgated in this organ. Although the vehicle was later determined to be un-stolen after all, it really "gave everybody a shock", said Brittany Spaniel, 47, an elderly resident of the neighborhood who has herpes.
Grizzly Scene Not First For Veteran Corco Cop
For Corco Police Sergeant Pill Willburn, the dispatcher's call was all-too-familiar. "I'm quite accustomed, as I've seen nine different torsos in the movies", he said during off-the-record comments given exclusively to My Best Post, adding, "I now-and-then study them in my free time".
A recent edition of My Best Post reported that a half-human, half-goat life form was seen wandering near the municipal incinerator, and that, when spoken to, the creature belched a rancid gas that stank of bowel and made onlookers sick. Many readers wrote us to point out that the incinerator is, in fact, county owned.
Fatso Holcomb Succumbs
Services will he held Tuesday for Ambleton resident Horace "Fatso" Holcomb, 37, who went to visit his brother in Mezzanine several days ago, and hasn't ever returned yet.
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Copyright 2012 Ken Kramer