My Best Post 
Volume CSI,  Number 22
January 5rd, 2011
Your Friendly Almanac
The year ahead, as seen by observers at My Best Post:

January - "Gallows Moon" on the fourteenth signals the need to hasten winter planting. Boil clothing to kill larvae picked up over the holidays.

February - Clouds 'aforenoon means a dry spell soon. Flood fields and backyard gardens at the first sign of darkening skies.

March - Weather turns foul late. Golfers should take advantage of the last of spring conditions for the final fore.

April - Arrival of the Comet Zuke in the western sky signals now is the time for self-mortification. Conclude hunting and marauding activities by the eighteenth.

May - Time to trim your privets. Around the fifteenth, spray for tobacco worm, especially in areas where children congregate.

June - Warmer weather word to the wise. Prevent chafing and moisture irritation by using Torpor Talcum Powder right away! Torpor is the industry leader in dry lubricants for the home and farm. Ask your pharmacist or retailer about Torpor Talcum today!
Devastating earthquake on or about the sixth.

July - Widespread crop failures as irrigation and fertilization impossible. Livestock driven mad by disease. Excellent time to finish work on potting table or espalier.

August - After the twenty-fourth, scoured by endless storms, and ravaged by erosion, the land supports little vegetation. Overhead, the odd carrion-feeder circles a rotting carcass, the air thick with its rank stench.

September - December - No data.

No Injuries As Tractor Smashes Cafe
Police, responding to a  disturbance call at The Belly Buster Wednesday, found Roger "Sam" Reneaux's small but powerful tractor had run away from the long-time area rancher, and ended up in the Number 5 booth, scattering plates and silverware like so many pieces of debris after  a tornado or similar storm. "They occur especially in the central or southern United States", said police Sergeant Pill Wilburn. "...and are characterized by a rapidly rotating funnel-shaped cloud, which typically destroys everything in its narrow path".

A recent edition of My Best Post carried an article including a prediction by Rev. Sunny Summer of Corco, that the world would end last Thursday. We have since been contacted by the Reverend and informed that it should have read last "Tuesday". We apologize for any inconvenience.

Restaurant Review
Since its soft opening a few weeks ago, The Slaughterhouse Steak Barn has attracted an upscale-chic clientele, who want the experience of dining in a real  drain-in-the-floor abattoir. Live butchers dispatch, gut, and roast a whole hog in minutes, serving up portions that never disappoint. The decor mimics a turn-of-the-century rendering plant, with edible viscera of every sort on display. I ordered the joint of pork, which came with throat sweetbread, and the reticulum of a ruminant. Family fun. $$$

*Reviewer Henry Maskeckji (pronounced Hen-ree) has written several books on dining and eating things, including his popular "A Bufflehead's Guide To Gluttony" (Torpor Press ISBN 0-819-12474-Y) $24.95, and "I Told You To Wash Your Hands, Dammit!" (ISBN 0-819-12474-Y) $364.95. He has taught corporate hospitality since 2011, and is the inventor of the fork.
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