My Best Post 
Volume XIIG,  Number 9
November 14nd, 2010
Fire Sadly Destroys Historic Building In Ambleton
Arson is suspected in an electrical fire that started when a gas heater overturned on the roof of the empty Ambleton Historic National Bank Building which houses the money we all earn and pay taxes on to pay the fire fighters who came and watched the place burn and didn't do a thing. Anyhow, it turned out not to be the building at all, but somebody's car that had been dripping oil or something, and just went up in a ball of flames, but when you looked at it, it kind of seemed like the building behind it was burning too.

Dream Trip Goes Awry And Becomes Nightmare
Pearla Carp, 44, an elderly resident of Kelp Hill wants everyone to know she's feeling better after she threw up on the way to her sister's house. It's possible that she got food poisoning at The Belly Buster Buffet at 3444 Henshaw Street, Corco. A lot of employees their don't wash there hands. The victim's cousin Lanny Carp, says she might be lying about the whole thing though. She hasn't been quite right since she fell from a moving car in 1994.

Pet Corner

A stray Mastiff wandered into the yard we had fenced off for the children. He was behaving erratically, and my wife thought she saw some blood on his tongue. Now he won't come out of the tool shed. What should we do?
- Pal Paulson, Corco

A: A piece of pork or other cured meat is sure to soften his heart, especially if carried by one of the little ones, closer to his size. Then a toothbrush...yes a toothbrush!..will take care of that discolored tongue in a snap.

Q:  Our Friedrichs Hound "Parker" discovered a discarded tube of Preparation H a few weeks ago, and has since developed quite a taste for the ointment. As he goes everywhere with us, this has led to some very embarrassing public situations. Any ideas? 
- Drat Statler, Mezzanine

A: The animal will simply have to be put down.

My Best Post Changes To Save Money
With this edition of My Best Post, readers will notice some improvements that are sure to please everyone, even the old! Effective immediately, staff reductions will result in the elimination of all reporter positions. "We can produce a competitive product by relying on citizens to tell us what's going on out their", smiled MBP's Duke "Duke" Henshaw. "We've set up a phone line that records messages 24-hours a day." To further trim costs, home delivery, subscription, individual paper, and news rack sales are also being suspended.
Ex-Husband Endangering His Children Once Again
For the second time in as many months, Mr. Bill Billings of 13838 Hill Canyon Terrace is exposing his two young kids, Katlin and Madison, to the kind of life that he and his new "girlfriend" think is perfectly OK. Of course it was also perfectly OK for them to see him drinking beer, while she marched around like some kind of a floozie wearing nothing but a tank top and shorts. He was also late dropping them back at home two weeks ago, all hyper, after they ate some kind of fast food crap because she doesn't cook.

Tuesday's edition of My Best Post included a scathing musical critique of local favorite Ms. Candy Candle of Ambleton, after the veteran songbird's annual charity recital at The Armory. Owing to a crush of social events that evening, our reviewer was compelled to leave prior to the final curtain, and was unaware that the songstress had later passed away on stage. We regret any ill feeling which may have resulted.

A recent edition of My Best Post carried an advertisement from Mal Motors offering spray cans of engine cleaner for $5.95 each. We should have noted that the cans were part of a defective batch that has resulted in several spontaneous fires and injuries nationwide. While Mal Motors does not believe there is any risk to consumers, has not halted sales of the product, and will not offer refunds, customers are advised to drop off any unopened canisters at the Service Department to insure that no one gets hurt.

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Copyright 2010 Ken Kramer