|Volume 97, Number 15||
||June 25rd, 2010
|Kelp Hill Man Shouts “I Did It”, Succumbs
Wally Links, 88, of Kelp Hill closed the book on his life, and several unsolved crimes Thursday. The mild-mannered Democrat and confirmed bachelor had “no criminal record to speak of”, according to Sheriff Cam Sparks, “…but I guess this changes all that”, he added.
Links was a familiar sight at local cafes, where he would often order waffles and coffee, or sometimes a patty melt and coffee. He ordered an open-faced turkey sandwich on Armistice Day.
LOST - Batch Oven 3.6 Million BTU rated. Eclipse Line Burner. Dual Bi-Fold Doors. 10’ x 10’ x 40’ w/2,500 CFM Exhaust Fan. Call Operator 25, ask for operator 24.
ACREAGE available. Zoned industrial. Toxics OK. Buttocks Corral and New Crater Road. Near schools and all.
FOR SALE - Dog. Runs great. Greased up and ready to go! Replaced universal joint in April. Slight smell of gas. Tel. 0338.
FOR SALE – Car. Black, but with some white patches. Perfect companion for a bitch or neutered male! Tel. 0201.
MATTRESS with some stains. $25 or best. Must see to believe. Call Mrs. Links, Kelp Hill. 0414.
CD MEMORY COURSE helps increase concentrati
CARD OF THANKS from all of us at Mal Motors. It is rare that one of our vehicles explodes after the sale. Our thoughts are with the entire Buttocks family. Also, we’re now open until 8 PM weeknights.
|Wretch Closes Highway
An Ambleton wretch is being held without bail after police say he erected barriers and struck road flares, closing the main road to Farley to all traffic for several hours Wednesday.
Police Chief Duke “Duke” Henshaw, responding to charges that his forces were cowed by the man’s authoritative demeanor, took exception to a reporter’s question. “It’ll never happen again, I can tell you that”, he barked.
My Best Post Publisher Found Dead
An odd odor, “sort of like fried scrapple” led police to the mobile home of the long-time publisher of “My Best Post”. “I don’t know if you’ve ever had it”, Police Sergeant Pill Wilburn offered, “but it’s made with cornmeal and pork strips, which are boiled, and then dried”.
Investigators, following a trail of ants, found an entire nest of the wily, wingless insects. “They were immediately identifiable by the petiole between their abdomen and thorax”, exclaimed Chino Police Captain Ruff Bentman.
A recent edition of My Best Post mistakenly reported that Garba Flank, of 227 Path Street, the wife of Mr. Parke Flank, a supervisor at the Seel Milling Company for the past 24 years, and the daughter of Tawn and the late Lan Tribit of Corco, had contracted syphilis. We regret the error.
Change in the offing for Tri County area. Barometer plunges to levels not seen since time of Christ. Lashing rain accompanies whole gale, bringing shipping and commerce dependent thereupon to halt. Ashore, ferocious winds result in total carpeting. Ruptured earth reveals the bowels of Hell, and vomits toxic effluent dispatching every living thing. Fair Tuesday.
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Copyright 2010 Ken Kramer