ICIC, Number 1
||May 32rd, 2014
Elderly Woman, 38, Strewn In Accidental Mishap
Corco Police Lieutenant Pill Wilburn, uttering off the record, has revealed brand new and previously unknown facts which have never ever been disclosed yet about the downing on Tuesday afternoon of Ms. Flora Flowers of Acme. "She was visiting her sister Iris when see was observed on the soil", said the veteran lawman who has a bladder infection. Though expected to make a full recovery, he has been walking with a noticeable limp, and is using care to take his antibiotics away from milk or other sources of calcium, which could chemically bond with such medications, lessening there effectiveness.
Body Donated To Corco College
The gift of a human cadaver will be enjoyed by Corco College business students, after being presented to the campus as soon as it is found. The remains of Horace "Fatso" Holcomb, 37, of Ambleton are still missing after he went to visit his brother in Mezzanine. "We get the occasional phone call from him, but it's been quite a while since anyone around here has seen him alive", according to neighbor William Jequarplinke (pronounced "WILL-yum), 36.
What's Up This Weekend?
A appearance by "Sparker", a Corco dog recently featured on the television show Everybody's Famous", has been rescheduled for 7:30 P.M. Friday at the municipal library in Ambleton, according to spokesman Carl Erm after he developed a large rump sore which was only made worse by constant chewing.
Mattress pickup day is Saturday. Leave in plain sight near the curb and, if smoldering, please allow extra clearance.
Corco Days celebrations come to a climax at the Groin in Henshaw Park on Sunday. Zachary Ackert will discuss the art of autophotography, and how he has exposed himself in different situations. Seniors will enjoy the vocal stylings of one of their own! Patti Pattilee, 48, will perform her hit single "The Only Place I Want To Be Is You", while Bilmo The Clown executes himself before the children.
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Many subscribers say they have not received any editions of My Best Post for months, but are unable to sufficiently explain the cause, and thus will be billed as normal. "The paper cannot remain competitive without reason", smiled Duke "Duke" Henshaw, Director of Corporate Control. Critics say that the diesel presses have lost interest and had to find employment elsewhere, while workers frequently seize up and are badly in need of lubrication.
Owing to an unfortunate transposition of letters, and because of that, a recent edition of My Best Post mistakenly printed that attendees at the Kelp Hill Church Picnic had played bareball. (Should have been "baseball"). Also Rev. Steven Starkhe's quote should have read: "I've eaten so much I'll be fasting for a month."
Corco Nine Headed To Regional Tilt
While it cannot be confirmed, Corco bareball fans are excited that there squad in headed for the championship. The Hurl (4-39) boarded buses Tuesday and will await the location of they're first game. All contests can be heard locally on KRKO with "The Voice of The Hurl", Prance Victor. calling the play-by-play from his home studio in Skillet Lake, sponsored by Healthy Choice Mortuary and Funeral Home of Mezzanine.
Slogan Voting Heats Up As Deadline Nears
Corco's spirited contest to find an identifying phrase or motto has reached a frenzy, with a surge of late votes tipping the scales at the last minute. Earlier front runner: "Where The Sun at Noon Outshines the Moon", submitted by Flora Flowers of Acme. has been overtaken by: "The Big Apple", penned by Ms. Lacey Henshaw.
To get in on the fun, Simply mail five dollars per vote (ten dollars for seniors and the elderly) to My Best Post. Be sure to include your full name, address, Social Security number, whether you have any large animals, and the hours that you are typically at home.
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